In my almost 3 years of parenthood and exclusive pumping I’ve heard it all regarding the way I feed my child and the duration for which I have pumped thus far, from the well meaning “why don’t you just…” and “have you tried….” to the “again????” and even the “you look like a cow”, so I’m going to just get it all out there in one foul swoop and maybe next time you encounter an extended exclusive pumper you’ll choose your words with a little more care.

1. “Why don’t you just breastfeed?”

Well hello genius, I never thought of “just breastfeeding“, silly me I guess, I’ve been sitting here mourning the fact I am NOT able to breastfeed without even trying! phft! *insert rolling of eyes here*

In all honesty, most EPers long to breastfeed, unfortunately sometimes it just doesnt work out, and the constant reminder is heartbreaking so everytime you bring it up, a piece of us dies again, instead why don’t you focus on how far we have come and acknowledge that pumping is in fact STILL BREASTFEEDING!

2. “Did you try ‘X, Y, Z’ to get baby to latch?”

Nah, first time I tried and she wouldn’t latch I just gave up! Who needs effort when you can just pump…? Oh, wait, now I remember, pumping IS more effort, wow! I guess I didn’t think that one through, did I???

Of course I tried everything, saw everyone, got the tips and tricks and all that jazz but alas here I am! I have come through a lot of obstacles to reach the point where I am now, and although it wasn’t my first choice I’m pretty proud of the stellar job I do for my child!

3. “Why don’t you just use formula, its just as good”

Ummmmm, NO! Its not “just as good” as breastmilk, it doesn’t contain antibodies, cancer fighting cells or any of the really good stuff my body makes just for her, its NOT an option for us, and while there is still milk in MY boobs for MY child, then that’s what I’ll use, its also free, so BONUS!

Formula is made from cows milk proteins, those proteins are difficult to digest and some kids just cannot digest them at all, never mind the FACT that formula is made from another mammals breastmilk! Formula has never and will never be an option for us, that is MY personal preference and my choice, so please respect it!

4. “Can’t you just pump later instead / tomorrow morning / when we get back…”

Hmmm, can’t you just breathe later / tomorrow morning or after we’ve just run this errand that you say will only take an hour but will most likely take ALL day????? Oh, you NEED to breathe? Well I NEED to pump!

Missing pumps / delaying them can cause milk supply to tank (level off or drop), it can also cause blocked ducts and mastitis, both which can be painful and end up very serious, breasts are factories, they are not storage units, you need to stimulate them in order to make milk. So no, we really can’t just do anything but pump!

5. “Your using pumping as a crutch / excuse to sit down / your only doing it for yourself”

Yup, I’m a selfish bitch, so self serving and annoying, I just pump, pump, pump all day for myself and this precious milk… Oh wait, the milk is for my KID! Yeah, I grow my kid from that stuff. And FYI, its not pleasant (most times) nor is it an excuse to sit down, because I’m a grown ass woman and I don’t need an excuse to sit down, I own my own body and will sit down when I choose, I don’t need an “excuse” like pumping my life-sustaining, healthy, nutritious and jam-packed with fats and antibodies super-milk for my child whom I dutifully take care of 24/7.

Pumping is not selfish, neither is breastfeeding nor any other act of parenting, so your “opinion” is moot!

6. “Your pumping AGAIN???”

Yup, we pretty much covered this earlier, its ongoing, these puppies don’t milk themselves, but thanks for that pretty obvious observation there 😉

Schedules are a MUST, especially in the early days, so try not to make us feel bad, we feel pretty shitty already that we have to be hooked up to a piece of plastic for what feels like FOREVER instead of sitting reading a book or cuddling while our child breastfeeds like we originally planned.

7. “My friends daughters cousins friend pumped while at work for a whole 3 months and she STILL managed to breastfeed successfully…”

Wait, you just said that to me???? Here, hold my pump while I die laughing!
Yes your friends daughters cousins whatever had to pump maybe 3 or 4 times a day and then got to breastfeed her child, I would consider myself lucky if that was my scenario, but alas its not, I, at one stage was pumping 12 times a day, even at midnight, 2am, 4am, 6am etc, etc, so yeah, she is pretty damn lucky in my book!

For many EPers its not our choice to pump, we HAVE to pump to cover ALL our childs feeds and some of us suffer from low supply on top of it and end up having to supplement with a formula bottle or two, most of us would love to just pop baby onto the breast and just be done with pumping, but every single drop of breastmilk makes a difference.

8. “Your child is *insert age here*, breastmilk is no longer nutritious”

Clearly you don’t read much and just rely on whatever bullshit you hear from people who obviously have no clue about breastfeeding, breastmilk or the WHO guidelines (this includes MANY doctors who sadly do not know the benefits of breastfeeding). So…. did you know that an octopus can live out of water for exactly 22 days, yeah, if you don’t put them back on the 22nd day they turn into birds…. gullible much????

Breastmilk never looses its nutritional value, it changes to suit our childs needs, actually the longer you breastfeed the STRONGER your childs immune system will be, the LESS risk of developing cancer or diabetes, mental health issues or ever being obese, as well as illness severity and duration are significantly reduced.

9. “Your actually lucky you don’t have to be with your baby ALL the time / deal with teeth while breastfeeding / you can go out without the hassle”

Wait? Lucky? No hassle? WHAT????
Your ignorance and stupidity doesn’t even deserve a response, you disgust me! Now go away!

10. “You look like a cow hooked up to that thing”

Well “MOOOOOOOO!” to you too!